


South Park Christ Academy

by Jet23rd



Category: South Park
Genre: Catholic school AU, Dorm Living, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, kyle works at the local library, side creek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 02:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15596145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jet23rd/pseuds/Jet23rd
Summary: South Park Christ Academy is the home of excellence, faith, and learning. Just a modest Catholic school established in a small mountain town in Colorado. The students arrive diligently in clean uniforms and heads held high. While dating is strictly forbidden, friendships and cooperation are always encouraged. And Stan Marsh fucking hates his friends.Stan meets a new friend outside of school at the local library.





	South Park Christ Academy

**Author's Note:**

> I thought up this AU after drawing some fan art. I’ve never written a story before so I hope I’ll improve along the way. New chapters will be longer.  
> Special thanks to shinyvapor26 (kitty) for their encouragement. 
> 
> Instagram: jetkismet

South Park Christ Academy is the home of excellence, faith, and learning. Just a modest Catholic school established in a small mountain town in Colorado. The students arrive diligently in clean uniforms and heads held high. While dating is strictly forbidden, friendships and cooperation are always encouraged. And Stan Marsh fucking hates his friends.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh. He definitely hates one half of his two friends at school. And is trying to find where they are sitting today in the cafeteria. Cartman likes to change up their seating once every few days. Something about keeping the other cliques on their toes about where the three of them stood in the popularity hierarchy. He finds them in the back corner. Butters, is poking at his potato’s suspiciously. Stan places his tray down and sits. His friends don’t say hello, just look at him with acknowledgement, Butters welcomes Stan with a smile. 

“About time you showed up!” Cartman says with a mouth full of pizza. “Did you get held up making out with your carpet munching girlfriend?”

“Shut up, Wendy is not my girlfriend.” Stan responds “And she’s not a, whatever you just said.” 

Stan wishes Wendy could be his girlfriend, but school rules forbids it. He still talks to her any chance he gets, and she invites him and his friends to out hangout with her group of friends every other weekend. Wendy is beautiful, and smart, and makes Stan feel like he needs to lay down from how overwhelming it is to be near her. 

“What’s carpet munching?” Butters asks innocently and little too loudly making the girls at the next table turn and glare.

“He’s trying to say Wendy is a lesbian. Which she’s not.” Stan explains before Cartman can even try to purposely misinform Butters on the matter. Last thing they need is Butters using that on another student or a teacher thinking it’s a compliment. Butters got suspended and grounded after telling the principal he must be a very talented ‘knob gobbler’.

“Don’t get so defensive, Stan. All the chicks at this school are fucking gay! It’s the schools fault, too. The girls can’t get it from us so they just lez out with each other in their dorms.” Cartman crudely waves his fingers in a V in front of his mouth.

“But wouldn’t that make us fellas gay too? We can’t date either.” Good. Butters is actually arguing with Cartman’s logic. He usually took Cartman’s word as law. Maybe debate club was helping him after all. 

“No, Butters!” But Cartman still argues on. “Boys can just jack off and we’ll be fine. Unfortunately, girls can’t and must turn to each other for releases.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You think girls don’t, or can’t, masturbate?” Stan inquires, admittedly becoming interested in this conversation just from Cartman’s stupidity alone. 

“Of course they can’t masturbate! They don’t have wieners to jack off, Stan!” He explains incredulously. “How do you expect someone to jack off if they don’t have a fucking wiener?”

Stan pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration and disbelief. He’s got to change topic quickly. 

“Butters.” The tall blond turns his attention to Stan. “Did you reserve a room in the library for us to work on our science project today?”

Butters looks aside and rubs his fists together. A bad sign. 

“Um, n-no. I forgot ‘bout that.”

“Butters!”

“I’m really sorry! Can’t we still go and work?”

Cartman rolls his eyes “And put up with Craig and those assholes? They’re just gonna steal our ideas like last year. We needed a closed space to keep prying eyes out!” 

Stan didn’t really believe Craig’s group stole their idea for a potato clock. If they did so did almost half their grade. The convenience of a private room would have been nice, and would have calmed down Cartman’s paranoia enough to concentrate. Suddenly, Stan gets an idea.

“Guys, it’s okay. We can just go to the library in town.” Stan sees the relief on Butters’ face. “There’s no rule that says we can only use the school library.”

“Really? The local library?” Cartman asks. “My mom says there’s a lot of hobos in there.”

“Craig won’t be there.” Stan adds.

“... Fine! But if someone asks me for spare change I’m going home!”

“Fine. We’ll go after school.” Stan finally starts to eat his lunch. His pizza has gotten cold already. Stan sighs. He really fucking hates his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh if only there was a special red head in their group with enough nerve to tell Cartman what an ignorant cunt he is. 
> 
> I have never attended a catholic school or boarding school, but the concept still interests me. If there’s something you want to tell about your experience in a school like that, please tell me! I’d love to hear it
> 
> Instagram: jetkismet


End file.
